seeing with mind's eyes

had a long afternoon walk at Goose Rocks Beach

just before the rain started.

walking on the wide-open sandy beach 

made me feel like walking in a desert.

all of a sudden I saw the seaweeds that looked like flowers

and I saw the ripple marks with the seaweeds on top

like a tree with golden foliage.

why not? why can't we name them flowers or a tree?

at that moment even a seagull sounded like a child.

sounds crazy, but to me 

it was fun and...liberating 

I realized that we don't need to categorize or frame everything 

the same way others do

someone may say I walked on a beach, 

saw seaweeds and ripple marks, 

and heard a seagull.

I like to think that
while walking on a beach,

I traveled to a desert, 

saw the flowers and trees on the ground, 

heard a child screaming with excitement

and it was beautiful.

from grief to new life

About this time last year

after leaving the church I served for 8 years

and moving into the new parsonage on Saturday

I left everything to go on a retreat on Sunday. 

My mind, heart, and soul was full of stuff 

I had no room to spare for the new church and new congregation.

I needed a time to grieve.

I had such mixed emotions and didn't know where to begin. 

In that place of chaotic confusion 

one of the things I started was putting together a zigsaw puzzle.

This probably is pretty close visualization of my condition.

while I was matching the puzzle

 8 years of ministry came to my mind.

As I was looking for the unknown pieces of the puzzle

 I recognized all kinds of unresolved issues and

unknown pieces of raw emotions.

I was alone and in complete silence.

I allowed myself to weep in pain.

I was in a tomb for three days.

On Wednesday morning, 

I found myself in a different place. 

I felt a bit sorted out

not as neat as a bento box

but not as messy as a slimy taco either

 I was ready to break the silence

and had enough strength to be out with someone. 

So I called Linda who gave me a tour to Wells Reserve.

It's always a delicate balance to maintain 

when I break the silence 

because I'm usually in a vulnerable place.

Linda made me feel safe and I didn't have to talk much.

She was bubbly and gave me all kinds of information about the place. 

I was truly grateful for her generous sharing of time and energy on a hot summer day.  

It's still one of my favorite places to walk. 

The walk changed the rhythm of my entire being

There was a sense of being released from grave clothes like Lazarus

The puzzle was completed on Friday afternoon

and by Saturday morning

I was ready to return to the new parsonage. 

Although I cannot say that I was a hundred percent ready

I had enough room in my heart, mind and soul

to welcome the new relationships

and gifts and challenges of the new ministry. 

It was certainly a week of transformation 

from grief to new life. 

witness to his journey

when I get a text message from my sons it's mostly something like

"What's for dinner?"

But not on that day. It was

"Can we talk about my future?" 

A cosmic question like this makes me pause and take a deep breath. 

We spent some time walking at a beach

listening to what he had in mind and all the possibilities and passion that he has. 

I could hear the excitement in his voice. 

When he asked for my feedback, I said to him, 

"you always knew where you needed to go, 

so whatever decision you make, I will support you."

I sat on the seawall 

he was walking toward the end 

probably contemplating all the possibilities

The beautiful sunset was on one side and he was walking to the other side.  

His back was touched by the sunset 

as if the sun were giving him a blessing 

while he was walking into his future. 

I watched him walking away from me 

feeling blessed to be a witness to his journey. 

sign of resurrection

It was probably the most difficult day of my life as a pastor

when they removed the life-support from 

the 8-day old baby boy, firstborn of a young couple,

name Cole.

Since his premature birth

I went to see him every day. 

And I baptized him in the hospital room.

Even in the deepest pain that I've ever witnessed in anyone's life

he lived 8 full days 

and every moment with him was precious.

His life was honored, cherished, known to us.

After we let him go 

as I was driving back home from the hospital

in the middle of the cloudy sky 

out of nowhere

a tiny little rainbow appeared.

As soon as I saw it

I remembered the story of my friend.

On the day her son tragically died and she went to see his body

on her way back home 

all of a sudden a rainbow appeared and 

she knew he's letting her know he's okay. 

So I just knew the tiny little rainbow

was Cole's art piece

letting me know that he's safe, he's arrived.

I vividly remember how it comforted my broken heart,

how the pain was instantly removed and gratitude took place.

My body remembers the warmth spreading from my heart like electric waves.

Ever since then

I named it Cole rainbow.

It's almost like 

Cole is setting a rainbow for me to say hi.

So every time I see it, I also greet him 

"Hi, Cole"

and he comes alive 

along with warmth, comfort, and gratitude I felt that day.

Even though he couldn't stay with us long 

Cole left with me the greatest gift of all

 a sign of resurrection. 

journey of mystery

Marginal Way, Ogunquit

It was interesting 

As I walked this beautiful place

with the rocks and ocean rising high

Sidat came to my mind. 

Someone who had a deep spiritual connection with God

so wise and so simple

my colleague and my spiritual director

who died by letting himself go over the rocks into a fall,

the fall he loved so much.

It happened while I was remotely connected with him

and I was puzzled by what he had in mind. 

Something I would never be able to comprehend

but at the same time

I accepted and respected.

I mourned not so much for him 

because I believed he's where he wanted to be

but for the world for the loss of a beautiful soul mirroring God. 

"That's a good place to be" 

he always said to me with deep affection

whenever I shared my trouble.

I always shook my head asking him not to say that. 

Then we both laughed together.

Although we hate to be where it hurts

that's exactly where we need to be 

to look into the deep truth about ourselves. 

The truth hurts

at the same time

 the truth sets us free.

 He said to me one day

"I am like a dandelion seed.

I will be here today 

and when the wind blows 

I may be gone tomorrow."  

Just like that,

he's gone

with no attachment to anyone or anything, 

just the way he lived and he taught.

I look at myself

and recognize how far away I am 

 from being truly free

wondering what more truths about myself 

need to be discovered,

and at the end of my spiritual journey 

where I would be

if I would understand him. 
The answer is 
"I do not know." 

All I know today is 

I'm still on this journey of mystery. 

like the snails

another walk at Drakes Island Beach

while walking 

I found the lines on the sand 

and a small dot at the end of the line

looking closely

I learned that the dot is a snail moving toward the ocean

probably making his way back home

and I wondered

how does he know where to go?

what gives him a sense of clarity?

If it were me with my terrible sense of direction 

I would have been totally disoriented.

I wish I can have an answer from him. 

Even if the answer may be 

"I just know" 

shrugging his antennae.  

walking further

I found this little guy following the path the other guy paved

his antennae were detecting the walls 

to stay on the same path.

 I thought he found an easy way. 

Then again I wanted to ask

how do you know who to follow? 

what gives you a sense of clarity that this will lead you where you need to go? 

by then, I kind of knew the answer.

 He just knows. 

from now on 

when I need a sense of clarity 

 I will think of the snails. 

even after being taken away from home

separated from the familiarities

dropped in uncharted territory

something in their natural instinct made them orient themselves to head home 

to be united with the ocean.

And I like to believe that 

I am also made to orient myself to head home.

Home to me is where I can find myself in the presence of God 

in union with God.

In my daily living

I am constantly heading home

like the snails.

my friend Claudine

Our paths were crossed through our children.

I don't remember if it was an award night or a concert night.

It might have been Mr. Falcon night.

We got to meet each other in the high school auditorium.

After running into each other periodically at events

checking in briefly as we passed by

or waving from a distance

we got together for lunch at Panera one summer day.

Since then lunch at Panera with Claudine became my favorite routine.

Our conversations covered everything we were going through.

We were always interested in listening to each other's stories.

We celebrated and mourned together the ups and downs of ministry, parenting, and life.

It is rare to have a friend who listens so attentively 

that you can feel you are in sync with each other intellectually and emotionally. 

That's what I love about having a conversation with Claudine.

And along with her vibrant spirit

I always loved her polished grace over our meals. 

Today I learned about her father's prayer 

offered at her ordination service 30 years ago. 

I could feel how carefully and thoughtfully he chose each word 
for his daughter 

soon to be his colleague

and I was deeply moved by the sincere desires of his heart for Claudine 

as she begins her journey as a new pastor.

Among many, this part especially resonated with me. 

Deeper her sense of unity with all people

and give her an understanding and loving heart,

that she may minister to all troubled souls and open to them the doors of peace.

I am among those who received the benefit of his prayer 
as Claudine's understanding and loving heart 
ministered my troubled soul 
and opened to me the doors of peace many times. 
I wanted to let him know his prayer is answered.

Our Panera date has been replaced by a weekly Facetime on Fridays

something I look forward to every week.

And someday this may change into something else 

but I know that something else will be just as good if not better 
and I will be as blessed as I am now.

like a bird

Drakes Island Beach

impromptu morning walk with a friend

vast endless earth and sky welcomed us

waves were running to meet us halfway 

we were like children in a playground

walked, talked, laughed, stopped to pick up rocks

often gazed at different directions

Then there was a moment like this
as if someone clicked the pause button
when I discovered the bird 
standing quietly and gracefully
on the vastness of sands
all alone 
just she and her shadow
minding her own business (whatever that is)

Looking at her 
made my heart still
steps slower
breathing deeper
like having someone mindful around

I imagine myself standing on the vastness of sand
gazing at somewhere between ocean and clouds
listening to the gentle waves massaging the shore
filling my lungs with salty air through my nostrils
all alone 
just me and my shadow 
quietly and gracefully

 like the bird
a teacher of mindfulness

presence of Jesus

walking with a wise woman on a trail 

with beach roses and honeysuckle, birds chirping 

on an overcast afternoon 

maybe it was the color of pink 

maybe it was the sweetness of fragrance

maybe it was just an unexpected encounter with the beauty of God's creation

something made her heart tender

there were tears while sharing her thought

not out of sadness, distress, or pain

but out of the natural rhythm of her heart being touched

It was a moment of mindful awareness 

that it's not just the two of us walking. 

There was someone else walking with us.  

As for me, it was a blessing to witness Jesus' presence in her. 

fire in us

a night at Goose Rocks Beach

There's a fire in every heart.

There's something about this fire, big or small,

that makes us feel artificially powerful

and momentarily blinds us from seeing the ultimate damage.

It makes us intensely focus on keeping the fire going

without thinking what's burning and turning into ashes inside and around us.

That's why tending this fire in us is, in fact, a loving thing to do. 

It will eventually keep us from going to the places where we will burn ourselves and others.

Although we may feel the heat of pain 

as we look deep into the source of the fire, 

if we tend the fire in us with love and compassion

the fire becomes a source of light that casts the dark sides in us.

The more we tend the fire in us

the more we become the people of the light,

 the people of the bush on fire but do not burn up. 

La Tua Semplicità (Your simplicity)

a song inspired by a poem of Pope John Paul II

sung by Placido Domingo and Josh Groban

lately holding love in my heart has been challenging 

because my heart was in pain 

from the brokenness of the world

and from my own inability to heal or mend.

There's been a complicated mixture of thoughts and feelings.

The wisdom of this mystic revealed in his poem
takes me to the place where I need to return:

Christ's simplicity, the simple truth of the cross

and what I believe about love: 

to hold the pain and brokenness of the world 

and still in love with the world.

Now I realize why love is the greatest. 

When we cannot be hopeful

and it's hard to keep our faith,

love will remain to carry us through the pain and brokenness. 

. 

And there will be one day 

when all things are complete in God, 

the day in which 
what we have hoped for and what we have believed are fulfilled,

and we do not need hope and faith, 
the day 
"I will know less,
I will believe more"

And even on that day 

love will remain to bring us to God.

now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love (1 Cor. 13:13)

I choose love by Mark Miller

In the midst of pain, I choose love. 

In the midst of pain, sorrow falling down like rain, 

I await the sun again, I choose love.

In the midst of war, I choose peace. 

In the midst of war, hate and anger keeping score, 

I will seek the good once more, I choose peace.

When my world falls down, I will rise. 

When my world falls down, explanations can’t be found, 

I will climb to holy ground, I will rise.

In the midst of pain, I choose love. 

In the midst of pain, sorrow falling down like rain, 

I await the sun again, I choose love.

pray by Steve Garnaas-Holmes

Dearly Beloved,

Grace and Peace to you.

                

How do you live through a siege?

How do you guard your heart and keep your hope

amid violence, hatred, injustice and fear?

You pray.

Sit still.

Let the sounds of the news

and the voices in your head settle and fade.

Release your fears and desires. Offer them to God.

Sit with the God of love and mercy.

Just sit with God. Sit, and listen.

Listen to God's passion for life and wholeness,

for justice and healing.

What do you hear from God,

the God who says “Let there be light,”

who says “I will give my life for you,”

who enters the world's suffering?

What is God saying to you?

It may be silence.

God may be weeping. God may be praying,

radiating blessing for all who are broken,

working wonders, renewing life you cannot see or know.

Open your heart

to let that light and mercy flood in.

to trust that gracious will.

Breathe deeply of that peace,

willing to be light in the darkness...

and go with love and courage

into the day.

Deep Blessings,

Pastor Steve

__________________

Steve Garnaas-Holmes

Unfolding Light

www.unfoldinglight.net

one of my favorite people on earth 

soon he and Beth will be moving into our neighborhood

what a blessing