rows of saints

I walked on the labyrinth to get some clarity.

While breathing, walking, and thinking,

I was also on a mission—

looking for the stone Ada gave in memory of John.

Although I was thinking hard and searching hard

Clarity didn’t come to me,

Nor did John’s stone.

Some walks are like that.

As I was about to walkout

accepting that my search was unsuccessful,

a stone in the entrance caught my eyes.

At first, it looked smaller than I imagined.

But when I pulled up the pictures, sure enough, it was John’s stone!

I was so happy and texted Ada with the picture and location.

After the excitement

I decided to walk again

realizing searching hard didn’t make me find the stone.

Rather it was accepting my unsuccessful search 

and letting go of my desire to find it.

So the second time I tried to let go of my thoughts and desire for clarity

and let the natural rhythm of walking into mystery take over.

As I reach the center I sat on the rock,

closed my eyes to feel God’s presence.

When I opened my eyes,

all of a sudden, I felt like the stones were looking at me

almost like rows of people sitting in the pews.

(have to admit, I do miss seeing rows of people in the sanctuary)

I felt like I was surrounded by rows of the saints

protecting me and standing up for me

so that nothing can get in the way between me and God.

It wasn’t the kind of clarity I was looking for,

but it couldn’t get any clearer and sharper than that.

Next time I walk, 

I will think less and trust more.

energy from the rocks

as the first full moon labyrinth walk was canceled due to weather

I went to Conservation Trust to walk on the labyrinth for the first time.

As I entered into the mystery of the new and unfamiliar path 

I recognized that this labyrinth has different energy 

because of the stones

brought in memory of loved ones by families. 

The stones welcomed me 

as if they were eager to tell me their stories--

the stones that survived the wind and rain for many years,

the stones that carry the stories of the saints,

the stones as heavy as the pain of grief, 

the stones as precious as the memories and blessings they left behind, 

the stones connected to each other 

as if they are holding hands together to create a path 

that will lead people to wholeness and centeredness.

I walked in drained and exhausted

and walked out a bit more balanced with clarity and equanimity.

I put my hands together and bowed deeply

to the rocks and the saints they represent and all who made it possible.

Most of all, to God who led me to be there,

where, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, I arrived.

I miss the energy already. 

sunrise on Cadillac Mountain

One of the things I did during my vacation was driving to Cadillac Mountain to see the sunrise. We left home around 2 a.m. and arrived near the summit on time to see the sun rising from the ocean. I was amazed by the beauty of the sunrise. It was a breathtaking moment of awe. At the same time, I was amazed by how many people were gathered there that early in the morning. Cars were parked on the side of the road miles before the summit, and it was difficult to find a spot to get an angle just for the sunrise not anyone in the picture. People got up early, though probably not as early as we did, to see something beautiful, something different than ordinary, something that connects them to the universe and makes them feel part of it. For people like us, believers of God, a moment like this touches our heart and soul and makes us feel close to God.

gift from the ocean

as always I didn't check the weather before I walked out to go to the beach.

It was overcast and a bit foggy morning

so I thought I'd walk for an hour before the rain.

And I wanted to put together my thoughts on the sermon while walking.

Once I walked into the beach

I almost heard the ocean calling my name.

Come closer!

Let's play!

At first I refused.

No, that's not why I'm here.

I need to organize my thoughts.

It insisted.

Just be with me. Be.

So I let go of my plan and started walking.

Waves came closer to my feet like a teasing friend

and I ran to walk away laughing.

Then I saw something I never have noticed before.

The reflection of the sun on the beach was walking along with me.

There must be a simple scientific explanation 

but at the moment I was in awe of seeing the sun walking beside me.

Like a good friend.

And I realized that it's only on a certain surface I can see the reflection.

The reflection disappears on dry sand and becomes blurry when the wave covers the sand.

It's only visible on wet sand with no moving water.

I thought of it as a thin space where the distance between heaven and earth is thinner,

where I can gaze at God's presence

where I no longer feel separated from my Creator.

I tried to stay on that path

knowing it will soon disappear.

I only hoped that my lack of faith will not make me act as if I never witnessed it.

As I was leaving the beach

I felt hugged by God.

I realized the ocean invited to be with it
to give me a special gift.

strange math

It was on an accident that I found the nest with the baby birds.

While I was looking outside through my prayer room window

I noticed a bird constantly flying into the tree. 

As I looked closely where the bird was going

I found the nest with four little birds.

They were so precious 
and filled my heart with pure joy in the amazement of life.

  My heart was beating with the baby birds' every movement.

For a few days, I was a birdwatcher 
moving from one angle to another to look at them closely. 

Probably on the fourth day of watching them

as I was coming back from work

I walked up to the tree to take a picture.

It was almost like I'm approaching something SACRED

and I felt like I need to take off my shoes.

I took a quick picture and walked away

trying not to disturb them or their mother probably watching from somewhere.

Then the next day when I looked at the nest they were gone.

My heart dropped.

I hoped it wasn't because I disturbed them or scared them away. 

I like to believe that it was just a coincidence 
that I took a picture on their last day in the nest 
and they were ready to leave.

As I tried to make sense of it all
I heard some birds singing.

As soon as I heard the birds

like magic I was relieved thinking 

'They are meant to leave the nest. They are meant to fly in the air.'

Then I could feel my heart feeling joy again.

I said a prayer of blessings for the birds

and of thanksgiving for the gift of joy and wonder I received for a few days. 

Today the house became an empty nest again

Joel and Teddy left early to Philly as Joel has things to do at school.

Later Shawn left for his apartment as his work begins in-person office hours.

I was a bit weary as I looked at Joel's room.

As expected it was a moment of grief, 

something I'm used to now. 

I just needed to remember to be gentle with myself. 

Later I got a text message from Joel. 

They stopped to buy a bass guitar he wanted and were having lunch.

His text was full of excitement. 

Suddenly I discovered my mood changing from weariness to joy 

just like the time I heard the birds singing.

Even though I felt a loss when they left

I found myself not counting my loss 

because when they are happy I am happy as well. 

Somehow my loss disappears when they gain 

and their gain becomes my gain. 

This is such strange math. 

House is quiet as it once used to be

and I am content.

one year

What more can I say? 

I am blessed

seeing with mind's eyes

had a long afternoon walk at Goose Rocks Beach

just before the rain started.

walking on the wide-open sandy beach 

made me feel like walking in a desert.

all of a sudden I saw the seaweeds that looked like flowers

and I saw the ripple marks with the seaweeds on top

like a tree with golden foliage.

why not? why can't we name them flowers or a tree?

at that moment even a seagull sounded like a child.

sounds crazy, but to me 

it was fun and...liberating 

I realized that we don't need to categorize or frame everything 

the same way others do

someone may say I walked on a beach, 

saw seaweeds and ripple marks, 

and heard a seagull.

I like to think that
while walking on a beach,

I traveled to a desert, 

saw the flowers and trees on the ground, 

heard a child screaming with excitement

and it was beautiful.

from grief to new life

About this time last year

after leaving the church I served for 8 years

and moving into the new parsonage on Saturday

I left everything to go on a retreat on Sunday. 

My mind, heart, and soul was full of stuff 

I had no room to spare for the new church and new congregation.

I needed a time to grieve.

I had such mixed emotions and didn't know where to begin. 

In that place of chaotic confusion 

one of the things I started was putting together a zigsaw puzzle.

This probably is pretty close visualization of my condition.

while I was matching the puzzle

 8 years of ministry came to my mind.

As I was looking for the unknown pieces of the puzzle

 I recognized all kinds of unresolved issues and

unknown pieces of raw emotions.

I was alone and in complete silence.

I allowed myself to weep in pain.

I was in a tomb for three days.

On Wednesday morning, 

I found myself in a different place. 

I felt a bit sorted out

not as neat as a bento box

but not as messy as a slimy taco either

 I was ready to break the silence

and had enough strength to be out with someone. 

So I called Linda who gave me a tour to Wells Reserve.

It's always a delicate balance to maintain 

when I break the silence 

because I'm usually in a vulnerable place.

Linda made me feel safe and I didn't have to talk much.

She was bubbly and gave me all kinds of information about the place. 

I was truly grateful for her generous sharing of time and energy on a hot summer day.  

It's still one of my favorite places to walk. 

The walk changed the rhythm of my entire being

There was a sense of being released from grave clothes like Lazarus

The puzzle was completed on Friday afternoon

and by Saturday morning

I was ready to return to the new parsonage. 

Although I cannot say that I was a hundred percent ready

I had enough room in my heart, mind and soul

to welcome the new relationships

and gifts and challenges of the new ministry. 

It was certainly a week of transformation 

from grief to new life. 

witness to his journey

when I get a text message from my sons it's mostly something like

"What's for dinner?"

But not on that day. It was

"Can we talk about my future?" 

A cosmic question like this makes me pause and take a deep breath. 

We spent some time walking at a beach

listening to what he had in mind and all the possibilities and passion that he has. 

I could hear the excitement in his voice. 

When he asked for my feedback, I said to him, 

"you always knew where you needed to go, 

so whatever decision you make, I will support you."

I sat on the seawall 

he was walking toward the end 

probably contemplating all the possibilities

The beautiful sunset was on one side and he was walking to the other side.  

His back was touched by the sunset 

as if the sun were giving him a blessing 

while he was walking into his future. 

I watched him walking away from me 

feeling blessed to be a witness to his journey. 

sign of resurrection

It was probably the most difficult day of my life as a pastor

when they removed the life-support from 

the 8-day old baby boy, firstborn of a young couple,

name Cole.

Since his premature birth

I went to see him every day. 

And I baptized him in the hospital room.

Even in the deepest pain that I've ever witnessed in anyone's life

he lived 8 full days 

and every moment with him was precious.

His life was honored, cherished, known to us.

After we let him go 

as I was driving back home from the hospital

in the middle of the cloudy sky 

out of nowhere

a tiny little rainbow appeared.

As soon as I saw it

I remembered the story of my friend.

On the day her son tragically died and she went to see his body

on her way back home 

all of a sudden a rainbow appeared and 

she knew he's letting her know he's okay. 

So I just knew the tiny little rainbow

was Cole's art piece

letting me know that he's safe, he's arrived.

I vividly remember how it comforted my broken heart,

how the pain was instantly removed and gratitude took place.

My body remembers the warmth spreading from my heart like electric waves.

Ever since then

I named it Cole rainbow.

It's almost like 

Cole is setting a rainbow for me to say hi.

So every time I see it, I also greet him 

"Hi, Cole"

and he comes alive 

along with warmth, comfort, and gratitude I felt that day.

Even though he couldn't stay with us long 

Cole left with me the greatest gift of all

 a sign of resurrection. 

journey of mystery

Marginal Way, Ogunquit

It was interesting 

As I walked this beautiful place

with the rocks and ocean rising high

Sidat came to my mind. 

Someone who had a deep spiritual connection with God

so wise and so simple

my colleague and my spiritual director

who died by letting himself go over the rocks into a fall,

the fall he loved so much.

It happened while I was remotely connected with him

and I was puzzled by what he had in mind. 

Something I would never be able to comprehend

but at the same time

I accepted and respected.

I mourned not so much for him 

because I believed he's where he wanted to be

but for the world for the loss of a beautiful soul mirroring God. 

"That's a good place to be" 

he always said to me with deep affection

whenever I shared my trouble.

I always shook my head asking him not to say that. 

Then we both laughed together.

Although we hate to be where it hurts

that's exactly where we need to be 

to look into the deep truth about ourselves. 

The truth hurts

at the same time

 the truth sets us free.

 He said to me one day

"I am like a dandelion seed.

I will be here today 

and when the wind blows 

I may be gone tomorrow."  

Just like that,

he's gone

with no attachment to anyone or anything, 

just the way he lived and he taught.

I look at myself

and recognize how far away I am 

 from being truly free

wondering what more truths about myself 

need to be discovered,

and at the end of my spiritual journey 

where I would be

if I would understand him. 
The answer is 
"I do not know." 

All I know today is 

I'm still on this journey of mystery. 

like the snails

another walk at Drakes Island Beach

while walking 

I found the lines on the sand 

and a small dot at the end of the line

looking closely

I learned that the dot is a snail moving toward the ocean

probably making his way back home

and I wondered

how does he know where to go?

what gives him a sense of clarity?

If it were me with my terrible sense of direction 

I would have been totally disoriented.

I wish I can have an answer from him. 

Even if the answer may be 

"I just know" 

shrugging his antennae.  

walking further

I found this little guy following the path the other guy paved

his antennae were detecting the walls 

to stay on the same path.

 I thought he found an easy way. 

Then again I wanted to ask

how do you know who to follow? 

what gives you a sense of clarity that this will lead you where you need to go? 

by then, I kind of knew the answer.

 He just knows. 

from now on 

when I need a sense of clarity 

 I will think of the snails. 

even after being taken away from home

separated from the familiarities

dropped in uncharted territory

something in their natural instinct made them orient themselves to head home 

to be united with the ocean.

And I like to believe that 

I am also made to orient myself to head home.

Home to me is where I can find myself in the presence of God 

in union with God.

In my daily living

I am constantly heading home

like the snails.

my friend Claudine

Our paths were crossed through our children.

I don't remember if it was an award night or a concert night.

It might have been Mr. Falcon night.

We got to meet each other in the high school auditorium.

After running into each other periodically at events

checking in briefly as we passed by

or waving from a distance

we got together for lunch at Panera one summer day.

Since then lunch at Panera with Claudine became my favorite routine.

Our conversations covered everything we were going through.

We were always interested in listening to each other's stories.

We celebrated and mourned together the ups and downs of ministry, parenting, and life.

It is rare to have a friend who listens so attentively 

that you can feel you are in sync with each other intellectually and emotionally. 

That's what I love about having a conversation with Claudine.

And along with her vibrant spirit

I always loved her polished grace over our meals. 

Today I learned about her father's prayer 

offered at her ordination service 30 years ago. 

I could feel how carefully and thoughtfully he chose each word 
for his daughter 

soon to be his colleague

and I was deeply moved by the sincere desires of his heart for Claudine 

as she begins her journey as a new pastor.

Among many, this part especially resonated with me. 

Deeper her sense of unity with all people

and give her an understanding and loving heart,

that she may minister to all troubled souls and open to them the doors of peace.

I am among those who received the benefit of his prayer 
as Claudine's understanding and loving heart 
ministered my troubled soul 
and opened to me the doors of peace many times. 
I wanted to let him know his prayer is answered.

Our Panera date has been replaced by a weekly Facetime on Fridays

something I look forward to every week.

And someday this may change into something else 

but I know that something else will be just as good if not better 
and I will be as blessed as I am now.