strange math

It was on an accident that I found the nest with the baby birds.

While I was looking outside through my prayer room window

I noticed a bird constantly flying into the tree. 

As I looked closely where the bird was going

I found the nest with four little birds.

They were so precious 
and filled my heart with pure joy in the amazement of life.

  My heart was beating with the baby birds' every movement.

For a few days, I was a birdwatcher 
moving from one angle to another to look at them closely. 

Probably on the fourth day of watching them

as I was coming back from work

I walked up to the tree to take a picture.

It was almost like I'm approaching something SACRED

and I felt like I need to take off my shoes.

I took a quick picture and walked away

trying not to disturb them or their mother probably watching from somewhere.

Then the next day when I looked at the nest they were gone.

My heart dropped.

I hoped it wasn't because I disturbed them or scared them away. 

I like to believe that it was just a coincidence 
that I took a picture on their last day in the nest 
and they were ready to leave.

As I tried to make sense of it all
I heard some birds singing.

As soon as I heard the birds

like magic I was relieved thinking 

'They are meant to leave the nest. They are meant to fly in the air.'

Then I could feel my heart feeling joy again.

I said a prayer of blessings for the birds

and of thanksgiving for the gift of joy and wonder I received for a few days. 

Today the house became an empty nest again

Joel and Teddy left early to Philly as Joel has things to do at school.

Later Shawn left for his apartment as his work begins in-person office hours.

I was a bit weary as I looked at Joel's room.

As expected it was a moment of grief, 

something I'm used to now. 

I just needed to remember to be gentle with myself. 

Later I got a text message from Joel. 

They stopped to buy a bass guitar he wanted and were having lunch.

His text was full of excitement. 

Suddenly I discovered my mood changing from weariness to joy 

just like the time I heard the birds singing.

Even though I felt a loss when they left

I found myself not counting my loss 

because when they are happy I am happy as well. 

Somehow my loss disappears when they gain 

and their gain becomes my gain. 

This is such strange math. 

House is quiet as it once used to be

and I am content.