nothing at all...

 

psalm 121

 

내가 산을 향하여 눈을 들리라

나의 도움이 어디서 올꼬

나의 도움이 천지를 지으신 여호와에게서로다

여호와께서 너로 실족치 않게 하시며

너를 지키시는 자가 졸지 아니하시리로다

이스라엘을 지키시는 자는

졸지도 주무시지도 아니하시리로다

여호와는 너를 지키시는 자라

여호와께서 네 우편에서 네 그늘이 되시나니

낮의 해가 너를 상치 아니하며

밤의 달도 너를 해지 아니하리로다

여호와께서 너를 지켜 

모든 환난에서 면케 하시며

또 네 영혼을 지키시리로다

내 마음은, 내 정체성은 어느 곳에도 뿌리내려 본 적이 없다고 

뿌리내려 흔들리지 않게 해달라고 기도하는 중에

 내 오른팔 옆에 강한 무언가가 느껴졌다 

나무 같기도 하고  콘크리트 벽 같기도 한

하지만 나를 밀지도 않고 차갑지도 않은 무언가가

정확히 느껴졌고

그 느낌을 잊을 수 없을 만큼 오래 계속되었다. 

내가 기댈 수 있고 흔들리지 않게

그 자리에서 나를 버텨주는 무언가

그 때 이 찬송의 "우편의 그늘"이라는 가사가 떠올라

성경구절을 찾아보니

내가 목회 하면서 지금까지 시편 23편 만큼이나 많이 읽었던

시편 121편이다. 

계속 영어로 읽어서 그 구절이 거기 있다는 걸 몰랐다는 것도 놀라웠지만

마치 처음 읽는 것처럼 

한 절 한 절이 너무 깊이 영혼에 와 닿고 감동을 주어서 새로웠다.

내 기도의 응답으로 이 말씀을 주셨다는 생각에

어쩌면 이제는 그분의 도움으로 오랜 숙제 였던 

뿌리내리는 일을 할 수 있을 것 같아서

거기 기대서 한참을 

감사했다. 

the uses of fear

 A donkey turning a millstone is not trying 

to press oil from sesame seed. He is fleeing the blow

that was just struck and hoping to avoid the next. 

For the same reason, the ox takes a load 

of baggage wherever you want him to. 

Shopkeepers work for themselves, 

not for the flow of communal exchange. 

We look to ease our pain, and this keeps civilization 

moving along. Fear is the architect here. 

Fear keeps us working near the ark. 

Some human beings are safe havens. 

Be companions with them. Others may seem to be friends, 

but they are really consuming your essence 

like donkeys lapping sherbet. Detach from them, 

and feel your flexibility returning. 

The inner moisture that lets you bend

into a basket handle is a quickening inside

that no one is ever afraid of. 

Sometimes though, it is fear, a contracting, 

that brings you into the presence. 

Rumi

what profound insights...

Viola Davis "Finding Me"

 

one of the ways I am getting ready for the trip to NM is to get my audiobooks downloaded

I know I will spend a long time traveling and want some good stories to be my company

one of the books I downloaded was this biography 

after reading some of the reviews  

without knowing who she is 

I began listening to her story

to tell the truth I do not like reading biography because of the cliche 

but this one, I couldn't stop listening

I spent more than 9 hours in 2 days

I remember binge-listening like this when I listened to the book "Educated" 

although I have different childhood experiences

Viola's words found home in my heart

because of her experiences as a woman and a minority

I cried many times out of compassion, anger, affirmation, 

and mostly in awe of her courage to be vulnerable

and God who was present in her life even when the relationship was absent

there are many places I will go back and listen again

because they are real, honest, and heroic

and from her finding herself 

I may also be able to find myself, which is a lifelong journey

hidden partners

when I heard during orientation that there's a puzzle table on the third floor

 

I was happy without knowing how it would work

whether I'd have my own space to start a puzzle  

when I went up for the first time 

I found that it was only one table enough for one puzzle 

and someone already started the puzzle with a few sections of the boats

and as usual, I started with the edges

but I couldn't find a couple of pieces and had to leave for a mealtime

when I went back on Wednesday

someone or some people found the pieces I couldn't find 

put together all the edges as well as some pieces for the water section

I was delighted that I have some unknown partners

every day after breakfast 

I went up and was pleasantly surprised that more parts were completed 

especially if I see the parts I was struggling with were matched

And yesterday I completed the puzzle

This is the first time I ever worked with others to complete a puzzle

and I will never find out who they were

but I have to say

it was pure joy, 

like an unexpected gift,

loved the experience,

and I hoped it was the same for my hidden partners. 

It made me reflect

how many tasks in my life were completed by someone else 

without me knowing who they are and what they have gone through

there are so many

for their generous and gracious gifts and contributions to my life

I deeply bow to my hidden partners

God knows...

I rarely expect others to do anything
knowing an expectation creates pressure
to prevent anxiety and disappointment in a relationship
I simply made myself self-sufficient.
It works in human relationships--
   no expectations 
so if something is granted, I take it with gratitude.
There's only a slight problem with it. 
it hinders my relationship with God.
(I realize that it's actually a major problem)
While I go on my merry way of being self-sufficient
God desires to fill me
and without me expecting God to
God breaks through 
the walls of indifference 
covered with self-sufficiency
God knows how to fill me

 surf hit the rocks and left a rainbow

                                            

plan

 

I had a plan for today 

to empty

God had another plan

to fill me

I am so full of God's love

that I feel I don't deserve this much love

but God says "I desire to give you even more"

I don't know what to do

other than saying

"let me remember this moment for the rest of my life

and help me desire you more every day" 

today

we needed Jesus

I mean we need Jesus every day but 

particularly today

because it was windy

restless and loud winds accompanied by high pitch whistling noises against the building

aaaaaaaall day loooooong

can we expect courtesy for us who are in silence, please?

of course, I spoke in silence

that's why we needed Jesus

who would come and calm the winds

so we can be in awe of who is this that the winds obey him?

but it never happened. 

winds were wild, still, are

the ocean was wild, still, is

I have to admit though

they tested me if I can keep myself calm as Jesus did

in the middle of the wild winds

and hold still happiness which was my mantra for today

I'd say

about eighty-eight percent of the day

twelve percent of the day I was grumbling

but hey, that's pretty good

and I'm pretty sure it means... 

Jesus was with me

last night

I went to this place Anne Lamott once called a bad neighborhood--

my mind

I contemplated judgment in me

source of my anxiety and insecurity

it was a dark place, a place that scares me

but I was not afraid 

because I wasn't alone

the one who knows me nevertheless loves me went there with me 

I watched the birth of judgment

how it took a form and rooted deeply in me

how it tangled its vines around me 

at times chocking me

almost knocked me down

I deeply desired to be liberated from it 

and prayed 

And I remembered

all the people Jesus healed

how they needed to have the courage to live a healed and transformed life

without going back to the old habits and patterns.

When I desire liberation

I also need the courage to embrace the challenges that come with liberation

it's Christ who heals

it's me who lives out a new life

silence in progress

in Mary Chapel

plants were sitting at the feet of Mary who's holding Jesus tenderly 

they make no sounds

they make no movements

but 

they are growing

stretching

blossoming

in their own quiet way

though nothing seems to be happening

they are alive and well 

that's how silence is

though nothing seems to be happening

the Spirit is at work 

healing, 

enlivening, 

transforming... 

so do not underestimate silence

because in silence 

there's growth 

invitation

 

"sit with me"

you said

so I did

on a windy morning

you and I 

beautifully together...

most beautiful pothole

brother Alvaros warned me to drive slowly

I was thinking 'how did he know my CT driver habits?'

he said it is mud season and the road is full of potholes.

indeed there were many potholes

and I had to drive slowly

since there was not enough space on the road to avoid them

for the first prayer time at 5:30

I decided to walk a half a mile to get to the Priory

as I was walking I noticed that each pothole not only holds muddy water

but also the image that doesn't seem to belong in there

trees

clouds

sky

I've never seen potholes as beautiful as these

potholes that hold the beauty of the other side

we find potholes in life as well 

in us and in others

and we want to avoid them as much as possible

because they are bumpy

they are messy

they are annoying

they seem to be nonsense

they interrupt our smooth driving...

but if we are curious enough to pay attention

and brave enough to look closely

they have something to offer to us

they hold something beautiful in them

only to be found by us

then they are not just potholes

but they are reflections of the mystery of God

3 years in 3 hours

while I was driving to the Priory 
for the first 2 hours
the sky was changing constantly...
it was cloudy for a while, 
then sunny for a few minutes,
then foggy for a bit, 
then rainy often and on,
I have all kinds of New England weather 

I was thinking...
'this looks like my life over the past three years'
I certainly had all kinds of weather
good days and bad,
exciting days and dull moments, 
weathered through many storms

then I was thinking...
'the only thing that's missing is snow'
and guess what
as the thought crossed my mind
I turned left to Vermont Rt 100 S, 15 mins to the Priory
it snowed...
the temperature dropped 10 degrees in 5 minutes. 
when I arrived at the Priory
it snowed hard
and I chuckled at God
'You really didn't want me to miss this one, did you?' 

after I got the instruction from brother Alvaros, 
went to Romero House,
chose a room I'd stay, settled down, 
all of a sudden, 
the room got brighter and the sun was shining through the window
I couldn't believe it...
the whole time, the 3 hours
perfectly mirrored 3 years of my life
who can design something like this other than God?

3 hours of driving made me realize that 
whatever I am going through is a normal part of life 
and it will pass eventually 

even when I feel like it will last forever 

as long as I trust that God is in the midst
I was deeply touched and humbled
Thanks be to God

Jesus on the cross