Since I didn't get to see Joel on Mother's Day

I spent the Memorial Day with him. 

We visited a few places 

ate at some interesting fusion restaurants--

Italian Japanese, Southern+Asian, Laotian

and spent some time with his best friends. 

Their life and faith stories, their questions and curiosity

made me feel hopeful for their generation and their connection with God.

Reading the quotes at MLK Memorial evoked inspiration

and one of them became real to me.

"Out of the mountain of despair

A stone of hope."

 

 

I still don't know how to create what I want exactly

I just start with a vague idea of what I want

then keep centering

molding

drying

trimming

choosing the colors

and 

waiting

until the fire does its magic

then I get surprised by the outcome

always better than I imagined

even the one I had a hard time centering

sounds a lot like life in the Spirit

we don't always know where the Spirit leads us

we only have a vague idea

then we keep centering

shaping 

adjusting

moving forward

of course waiting

then the Spirit does her magic

creating what we couldn't imagine

I just hope I can trust enough

Mother's Day

With a surprise Korean meal cooked for me, 

beautiful flowers, 

and a cute card with heartfelt messages, 

Mother's Day was full of love.

When they were teenagers,

 they identified me as "The World's Okayest Mom" 

and I liked it. 

Now my young adult children identify me as "a good friend" 

and I like it. 

 

an immigrant's lament

 

maybe it's because of the letter Joel sent me from the Old Korean Legation Museum

or maybe it's because I watched something with two old friends hanging out in their place of memory which looks similar to mine

maybe it's because forsythia just began to bloom 

maybe it's because of the rain for a few days which added double shots of melancholy 

I've been feeling a sense of loss and grief

something I would name as a mild version of homesickness

it comes to me like a seasonal allergy

I am keenly aware that it's a consequence of the choice I made

and I would rather be in pain than numb

lamenting the fact of not having a place to call home

and let the grief run its course

meditating on Jesus 

as an immigrant

Lenten reflection

as the Lenten journey gets longer

purple gets deeper

cross looks closer, bigger, and heavier, 

with a weary heart of Lenten fatigue

we know it's time to prepare for death and burial

of Jesus

of something in us no longer life-giving. 

Whatever form it happens

we are reminded 

by recognizing what's lifeless, letting it die, burying, and sealing it, 

we also become pregnant with a new life.

The place of burial 

also becomes a birthplace of something new. 

That's probably why he named his death 

"a time to be glorified"

my first mug

 

As I was driving away from the studio into the dark cold night

I realized that I had no thoughts or emotions

during the past couple of hours

I was just focusing on the clay and the wheel

with no intention or effort on my part

I practiced deep mindfulness

The color and taste

The color and taste of green tea
tell me the temperature of the water was just right,
which happens rarely.
As the speed of the snowfall gets faster
I try to drink my tea as slowly as possible.
At times
I want to be out of sync with the world.

I like to think

 I like to think of myself as a mystic

drawn to the unknown realm of God

and wisdom in the complexities of life

with melancholy as a tool to explore them all.

Cain's book was insightful in understanding

myself and others in this journey.

I'm still learning

I'm still learning about what happens

to the clay and the colors when it gets fired.

I painted it leaf green and it came out brown.

I wanted a fresh palm branch, but instead,

I got one in the process of turning to ashes..

.(then maybe to some form of a new life...)

I plan to use it tonight to hold ashes for Ash Wednesday service.

Even though

 Even though I chose the shape, design, and colors,

I couldn't imagine what the final outcome

of my first pottery project would look like.

But no matter what it looks like in the end,

I knew all along how

I would feel about it...imperfect yet beautiful.

Mom always

 Mom always made a full breakfast for me

with rice, soup, and some side dishes.

Once in a while, I like to make myself a full breakfast.

Although the food is not as good as hers, I at least feel her presence at the table.

My comm-union with her.

I used to

I used to have grandiose goals for exercise

keeping records of miles, pounds, calories...

nowadays my exercise goal is

to find out what my body is capable of

and honoring it.

first time

using the wheel,

my excitement quickly turned into insecurity

from the awareness that I don't know how to do this.

I realized..

at my age,

I seldom place myself in a position of a student in a new field.

It's humbling and takes courage.

And I'll need a lot of courage

until I finally feel like I know what I'm doing.

But for a while,

I'll be making many of these beginner-looking bowls.

I have to say though playing with clay is a lot of fun!

sit with me

 

말씀 하지 않아도

난 앉는다 그분 곁에

어떤 초대는

되풀이 되지 않아도

단 한 번만으로

충분하다는 걸 

처음 알게 되었다

세상에게 보내는 사과

파도는 천둥같은 소릴 내며 쉴새없이 출렁이는데

바람은 불지 않는 고요한 날이었다

내 마음과 영혼은 고요함과 출렁임의 스펙트럼 가운데 

어디 있는 걸까 생각하다 문득

조금 어렸을 때 나는

세상의 출렁임에 흔들리지 않을 고요한 마음을 갖고 싶었는데

지금의 나는 

고요함과 출렁임이 내 안에 공존한다는 알게 되었다는

생각이 들었다

내 마음과 영혼을

고요하게 하는 것도

출렁이게 하는 것도

모두 내가 하는 일이라는 걸

그런 걸 괜히 세상 탓을 했네

미안...

 

오늘도

그 분은
나의 내면 
저 깊이 가라앉아 있는
찌꺼기까지도 
다 들여다 보게 하신다
부끄럽고 아프지만
긴 시간 그 분과 함께 걸어 온 나는
잘 알고 있다
보게 하신다는 건
치유하시기 위해서 라는 걸
그래서 난 또
고통을 무릎 쓰고 들여다 본다
그 분이라는 거울에 비친 나를

느티나무 연가

사계절 내내

햇볕과 비와 바람을 맞으며

늘 곁에 계신 

당신을 사랑합니다

말보다 깊은 침묵으로

당신이 가까이 있어

오늘도 행복합니다

신을 향한 나의 사랑이 

조금 더 높아지고

이웃을 향한 나의 사랑이

조금 더 깊어진 기쁨!

이 기쁨은 당신이 나에게

오랜 세월 가르쳐서 선물한

초록빛 기쁨입니다

참을성, 넉넉함, 따뜻함으로

긴 세월 기다릴 줄 아는

엄마 같고 애인 같은 당신

고맙습니다

나도 당신을 닮아

품이 넓은 사랑을

다시 시작하게 해 주세요, 꼭!

이해인 "기다리는 행복" 중

어떻게 이렇게 사랑스러운 글을 쓰실 수 있는지

이해인 수녀님의 글은 내 심성을 곱고 착하고 싶게 다독여 준다

기다려도

한동안 뜨지 않던 해가

일단 뜨고나면 

순식간에 하늘을 가르고 떠오른다

내 눈에 안 보이던 순간들에도

해는 부지런히 떠오르고 있었고

(아니 지구는 부지런히 돌고 있었고)

같은 속도로 움직이고 있었다는 걸 말해준다

눈에 보이지 않아도

하나님의 선하심은 

늘 우리를 향해 움직이고 있다

눈에 보일 때까지

거기 서있는 

믿음과 인내만 있다면

 

내 그림자로

 해가 거기 있음을 안다

누군가 내게 베푼 은혜로 인해

하나님이 거기 계심을 안다

누군가 나로 인해

하나님이 거기 계신 걸 알 수 있길 기도한다

더 이상

 내 눈으로 볼 수 없을 만큼 밝게 해가 떠 올라
뒤돌아 섰을 때
반대편의 나무와 덤불들도 
가만히 
하지만 온몸으로 
해를 맞이하고 있었다. 
어쩌면 밤사이 추위를 견디며 
그들도 깨어서 해가 뜨기를 기다렸을지도 모른다는 생각에
내가 해와 그들 사이를 가리고 있었을 수도 있다는 생각에
사진만 얼른 찍고 
조심스레 옆으로 비켜 주며 속삭였다
미안합니다

when I turned around because the sun was too bright to look
I found the trees and bushes also were embracing the sunlight
quietly yet with their full bodies
I thought
maybe they were also awake waiting for the sun
after a long night of cold
maybe I was blocking the sun 
I quickly took a picture and stepped aside
then whispered
I'm sorry

누군가는

배를 띄우고

누군가는 비행기로 하늘을 가르고

갈매기는 붉은 빛의 날개를 휘젓고

해는 떠오르고

달은 기울어 가고

파도는 끊임없이 자신의 존재를 증명하듯 몰아치는 

고요하지 만은 않은

저마다 바쁜

그런 아침이었다

나는

무엇을 찍은 걸까

 

obscurity

 the path to see the sunrise was covered with bushes and branches

that obscure my vision

but dawn was bright enough to know where I was going.

in my journey many times

 I lost sight of where I was going

because of the bushes and branches on my way.

I can't expect the light to be always bright enough

or the path to be clear from distractions.

I can only expect myself to discern with clarity

where I am going

even in a path of obscurity

일출의 시간

일출의 시간에는

붉고 찬란하게 떠오르는 해만 있는 건 아니다. 

자기만의 빛으로 밤을 밝히다 서서히 새벽의 밝음 속으로 사라져 가는 

하지만 여전히 자기만의 아름다운 모양과 빛으로 나를 맞아주는 달이 있고

고요함을 깨우는 새들의 휘파람 소리가 있고

밤새 머금은 산소로 세상에 생명을 줄 준비가 되어있는 나무들이 있다

이 모두가 함께 만드는 일출의 시간에

여기 이 의자처럼

가만히 그 자리에 있는 풍경이고 싶었다

At the time of sunrise
there's not just the red and brilliant rising sun,
but there is still a moon
that illuminated the night with its own lumens,
slowly disappearing into the brightness of dawn,
that welcomes me with its own beauty,
there is the whistle of the birds
that vibrates in the air and wakes up the silence,
there are trees ready to give life to the world with oxygen held overnight.
At the time of sunrise that every creature makes it together
like this chair
I wanted to be in this landscape with my own stillness.