Ash Wednesday Reflection

 

rows of saints

I walked on the labyrinth to get some clarity.

While breathing, walking, and thinking,

I was also on a mission—

looking for the stone Ada gave in memory of John.

Although I was thinking hard and searching hard

Clarity didn’t come to me,

Nor did John’s stone.

Some walks are like that.

As I was about to walkout

accepting that my search was unsuccessful,

a stone in the entrance caught my eyes.

At first, it looked smaller than I imagined.

But when I pulled up the pictures, sure enough, it was John’s stone!

I was so happy and texted Ada with the picture and location.

After the excitement

I decided to walk again

realizing searching hard didn’t make me find the stone.

Rather it was accepting my unsuccessful search 

and letting go of my desire to find it.

So the second time I tried to let go of my thoughts and desire for clarity

and let the natural rhythm of walking into mystery take over.

As I reach the center I sat on the rock,

closed my eyes to feel God’s presence.

When I opened my eyes,

all of a sudden, I felt like the stones were looking at me

almost like rows of people sitting in the pews.

(have to admit, I do miss seeing rows of people in the sanctuary)

I felt like I was surrounded by rows of the saints

protecting me and standing up for me

so that nothing can get in the way between me and God.

It wasn’t the kind of clarity I was looking for,

but it couldn’t get any clearer and sharper than that.

Next time I walk, 

I will think less and trust more.

energy from the rocks

as the first full moon labyrinth walk was canceled due to weather

I went to Conservation Trust to walk on the labyrinth for the first time.

As I entered into the mystery of the new and unfamiliar path 

I recognized that this labyrinth has different energy 

because of the stones

brought in memory of loved ones by families. 

The stones welcomed me 

as if they were eager to tell me their stories--

the stones that survived the wind and rain for many years,

the stones that carry the stories of the saints,

the stones as heavy as the pain of grief, 

the stones as precious as the memories and blessings they left behind, 

the stones connected to each other 

as if they are holding hands together to create a path 

that will lead people to wholeness and centeredness.

I walked in drained and exhausted

and walked out a bit more balanced with clarity and equanimity.

I put my hands together and bowed deeply

to the rocks and the saints they represent and all who made it possible.

Most of all, to God who led me to be there,

where, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, I arrived.

I miss the energy already. 

sunrise on Cadillac Mountain

One of the things I did during my vacation was driving to Cadillac Mountain to see the sunrise. We left home around 2 a.m. and arrived near the summit on time to see the sun rising from the ocean. I was amazed by the beauty of the sunrise. It was a breathtaking moment of awe. At the same time, I was amazed by how many people were gathered there that early in the morning. Cars were parked on the side of the road miles before the summit, and it was difficult to find a spot to get an angle just for the sunrise not anyone in the picture. People got up early, though probably not as early as we did, to see something beautiful, something different than ordinary, something that connects them to the universe and makes them feel part of it. For people like us, believers of God, a moment like this touches our heart and soul and makes us feel close to God.

gift from the ocean

as always I didn't check the weather before I walked out to go to the beach.

It was overcast and a bit foggy morning

so I thought I'd walk for an hour before the rain.

And I wanted to put together my thoughts on the sermon while walking.

Once I walked into the beach

I almost heard the ocean calling my name.

Come closer!

Let's play!

At first I refused.

No, that's not why I'm here.

I need to organize my thoughts.

It insisted.

Just be with me. Be.

So I let go of my plan and started walking.

Waves came closer to my feet like a teasing friend

and I ran to walk away laughing.

Then I saw something I never have noticed before.

The reflection of the sun on the beach was walking along with me.

There must be a simple scientific explanation 

but at the moment I was in awe of seeing the sun walking beside me.

Like a good friend.

And I realized that it's only on a certain surface I can see the reflection.

The reflection disappears on dry sand and becomes blurry when the wave covers the sand.

It's only visible on wet sand with no moving water.

I thought of it as a thin space where the distance between heaven and earth is thinner,

where I can gaze at God's presence

where I no longer feel separated from my Creator.

I tried to stay on that path

knowing it will soon disappear.

I only hoped that my lack of faith will not make me act as if I never witnessed it.

As I was leaving the beach

I felt hugged by God.

I realized the ocean invited to be with it
to give me a special gift.

strange math

It was on an accident that I found the nest with the baby birds.

While I was looking outside through my prayer room window

I noticed a bird constantly flying into the tree. 

As I looked closely where the bird was going

I found the nest with four little birds.

They were so precious 
and filled my heart with pure joy in the amazement of life.

  My heart was beating with the baby birds' every movement.

For a few days, I was a birdwatcher 
moving from one angle to another to look at them closely. 

Probably on the fourth day of watching them

as I was coming back from work

I walked up to the tree to take a picture.

It was almost like I'm approaching something SACRED

and I felt like I need to take off my shoes.

I took a quick picture and walked away

trying not to disturb them or their mother probably watching from somewhere.

Then the next day when I looked at the nest they were gone.

My heart dropped.

I hoped it wasn't because I disturbed them or scared them away. 

I like to believe that it was just a coincidence 
that I took a picture on their last day in the nest 
and they were ready to leave.

As I tried to make sense of it all
I heard some birds singing.

As soon as I heard the birds

like magic I was relieved thinking 

'They are meant to leave the nest. They are meant to fly in the air.'

Then I could feel my heart feeling joy again.

I said a prayer of blessings for the birds

and of thanksgiving for the gift of joy and wonder I received for a few days. 

Today the house became an empty nest again

Joel and Teddy left early to Philly as Joel has things to do at school.

Later Shawn left for his apartment as his work begins in-person office hours.

I was a bit weary as I looked at Joel's room.

As expected it was a moment of grief, 

something I'm used to now. 

I just needed to remember to be gentle with myself. 

Later I got a text message from Joel. 

They stopped to buy a bass guitar he wanted and were having lunch.

His text was full of excitement. 

Suddenly I discovered my mood changing from weariness to joy 

just like the time I heard the birds singing.

Even though I felt a loss when they left

I found myself not counting my loss 

because when they are happy I am happy as well. 

Somehow my loss disappears when they gain 

and their gain becomes my gain. 

This is such strange math. 

House is quiet as it once used to be

and I am content.

one year

What more can I say? 

I am blessed