most beautiful pothole

brother Alvaros warned me to drive slowly

I was thinking 'how did he know my CT driver habits?'

he said it is mud season and the road is full of potholes.

indeed there were many potholes

and I had to drive slowly

since there was not enough space on the road to avoid them

for the first prayer time at 5:30

I decided to walk a half a mile to get to the Priory

as I was walking I noticed that each pothole not only holds muddy water

but also the image that doesn't seem to belong in there

trees

clouds

sky

I've never seen potholes as beautiful as these

potholes that hold the beauty of the other side

we find potholes in life as well 

in us and in others

and we want to avoid them as much as possible

because they are bumpy

they are messy

they are annoying

they seem to be nonsense

they interrupt our smooth driving...

but if we are curious enough to pay attention

and brave enough to look closely

they have something to offer to us

they hold something beautiful in them

only to be found by us

then they are not just potholes

but they are reflections of the mystery of God

3 years in 3 hours

while I was driving to the Priory 
for the first 2 hours
the sky was changing constantly...
it was cloudy for a while, 
then sunny for a few minutes,
then foggy for a bit, 
then rainy often and on,
I have all kinds of New England weather 

I was thinking...
'this looks like my life over the past three years'
I certainly had all kinds of weather
good days and bad,
exciting days and dull moments, 
weathered through many storms

then I was thinking...
'the only thing that's missing is snow'
and guess what
as the thought crossed my mind
I turned left to Vermont Rt 100 S, 15 mins to the Priory
it snowed...
the temperature dropped 10 degrees in 5 minutes. 
when I arrived at the Priory
it snowed hard
and I chuckled at God
'You really didn't want me to miss this one, did you?' 

after I got the instruction from brother Alvaros, 
went to Romero House,
chose a room I'd stay, settled down, 
all of a sudden, 
the room got brighter and the sun was shining through the window
I couldn't believe it...
the whole time, the 3 hours
perfectly mirrored 3 years of my life
who can design something like this other than God?

3 hours of driving made me realize that 
whatever I am going through is a normal part of life 
and it will pass eventually 

even when I feel like it will last forever 

as long as I trust that God is in the midst
I was deeply touched and humbled
Thanks be to God

Jesus on the cross

 

this love

    I am my lover's 

and he claims me as his own.

11 

Come, my love, let us go out to the fields

    and spend the night among the wildflowers.

12 

Let us get up early and go to the vineyards

    to see if the grapevines have budded,

if the blossoms have opened,

    and if the pomegranates have bloomed.

    There I will give you my love.

13 

There the mandrakes give off their fragrance,

    and the finest fruits are at our door,

new delights as well as old,

    which I have saved for you, my lover. (Song of Songs 7:10-13)

Invited to love

if I can spend all day being led to the places with 

fragrance

new buds

blossoms

and be filled with this love

nothing would matter

now I understand

without this love 

from my lover and my love for my lover

I am nothing

with this love

I have everything

I am full

puzzle at odd timing

 

bought a new puzzle

and the day I booked a moving company

I opened the box.

Sounds like odd timing.

While I need to start sorting things out and packing,

and I still have boxes from the move 2 years ago to unpack and repack,

and lots of decisions to make, keep or give away or throw away?

I started a new puzzle.

Somehow when things are uncertain and distracting,

I found a puzzle bring me back to the space I need to be.

It makes me...mindful.

While studying each piece and searching for its place

I encounter my tethered thoughts.

While sorting the pieces out by their alikeness

I sort out my raw emotions.

While matching a small section at a time

I feel a bit closer to my own wholeness.

I distract myself from the stress of uncertainties

and focus on putting something tangible together,

I found it cleansing and decluttering.

Knowing that I have all the pieces I need to complete this task

and eventually, I will get it done,

gives me a sense of comfort.

Also knowing that I can stop anytime and put it back into the box

gives me a sense of freedom.

so I would think...

it's a perfect time for a puzzle.

labyrinth 1

one winter afternoon at Wisdom House

while walking on a labyrinth

I had a Zen dialogue with God, sort of

My soul was in the deepest darkness

my heart was icier than January wind in New England

Going to Wisdom House was probably all I could do

to feel connected, even if remotely, with what once used to be life-giving

then disappeared beyond too far away I couldn't calculate 

I barely had the energy 

just enough to breathe

so I walked s l o w l y

on the ancient path of mystery covered with winter debris

My eyes were fixed to the ground

Somewhere maybe halfway to the center

I heard the first question

"what do you see?"

I was still cold and dry but answered to be polite

"dirt, rocks, branches..."

The voice gently asked again

"what else do you see?"

I wasn't annoyed but didn't think of it any seriously either

In my eyes came a thin layer of ice 

underneath a brown leaf

"a leaf under ice"

Then the voice said

"that's you"

I stopped

it sparked an immediate awakening

the voice didn't need to explain 

I knew in my heart

'frozen for this season of life 

but will be thawed when spring comes'

Clarity came to my mind

I am stuck in-between time

I'm miles away from the path I walked 

and miles away from the path I will be on 

a deep ditch in-between

what used to work no longer is working

the new way is still in the process of unfolding

deep in the woods with just immediate path on sight 

As I continued to walk to the center

though my soul was still in darkness 

and my heart still icy,

my heartbeat was a bit increased

my senses were a bit opened up

I began to embrace

this condition considered as unbearably numb

as a season of my life 

with the hope of spring 

As I reached to the center

I deeply bowed to God

for the wisdom revealed to me

I cried a bit

I knew God is telling me

it's okay to be frozen

you won't be there forever

As I was walking back 

I recognized that my being became a little lighter 

Even with a tiny piece of hope 

I began to dream of spring when

I will be released from the prison of the ice

letting go of what's old and lifeless 

coming back to the cycle of new life

And I am pleased to report that

spring is here

beauty in brokenness

during my walk, I saw so many pieces of broken shells.

at first, they didn't catch my eyes

then when I saw them one after another,

and a scarred rock,

even a half of a sand dollar,

I knew there's an invitation.

I realized when I walk

I only give my attention to something whole and beautiful to keep--

shells with perfect shapes and pretty colors

and I realized that in life we do the same--

we look for something whole and beautiful to keep

and rarely find beauty in brokenness.

Then I remembered the times I felt broken

and how I was held by God,

and in God's presence,

how I, as imperfect as I was, found wholeness,

and how I still felt loved by God.

and I learned that God is inviting me 

to hold the brokenness in the world 

the same way God does.

so when I saw another broken shell,

I held it dearly knowing it's

broken, yet beautiful as it is.