hidden partners

when I heard during orientation that there's a puzzle table on the third floor

 

I was happy without knowing how it would work

whether I'd have my own space to start a puzzle  

when I went up for the first time 

I found that it was only one table enough for one puzzle 

and someone already started the puzzle with a few sections of the boats

and as usual, I started with the edges

but I couldn't find a couple of pieces and had to leave for a mealtime

when I went back on Wednesday

someone or some people found the pieces I couldn't find 

put together all the edges as well as some pieces for the water section

I was delighted that I have some unknown partners

every day after breakfast 

I went up and was pleasantly surprised that more parts were completed 

especially if I see the parts I was struggling with were matched

And yesterday I completed the puzzle

This is the first time I ever worked with others to complete a puzzle

and I will never find out who they were

but I have to say

it was pure joy, 

like an unexpected gift,

loved the experience,

and I hoped it was the same for my hidden partners. 

It made me reflect

how many tasks in my life were completed by someone else 

without me knowing who they are and what they have gone through

there are so many

for their generous and gracious gifts and contributions to my life

I deeply bow to my hidden partners

God knows...

I rarely expect others to do anything
knowing an expectation creates pressure
to prevent anxiety and disappointment in a relationship
I simply made myself self-sufficient.
It works in human relationships--
   no expectations 
so if something is granted, I take it with gratitude.
There's only a slight problem with it. 
it hinders my relationship with God.
(I realize that it's actually a major problem)
While I go on my merry way of being self-sufficient
God desires to fill me
and without me expecting God to
God breaks through 
the walls of indifference 
covered with self-sufficiency
God knows how to fill me

 surf hit the rocks and left a rainbow

                                            

plan

 

I had a plan for today 

to empty

God had another plan

to fill me

I am so full of God's love

that I feel I don't deserve this much love

but God says "I desire to give you even more"

I don't know what to do

other than saying

"let me remember this moment for the rest of my life

and help me desire you more every day" 

today

we needed Jesus

I mean we need Jesus every day but 

particularly today

because it was windy

restless and loud winds accompanied by high pitch whistling noises against the building

aaaaaaaall day loooooong

can we expect courtesy for us who are in silence, please?

of course, I spoke in silence

that's why we needed Jesus

who would come and calm the winds

so we can be in awe of who is this that the winds obey him?

but it never happened. 

winds were wild, still, are

the ocean was wild, still, is

I have to admit though

they tested me if I can keep myself calm as Jesus did

in the middle of the wild winds

and hold still happiness which was my mantra for today

I'd say

about eighty-eight percent of the day

twelve percent of the day I was grumbling

but hey, that's pretty good

and I'm pretty sure it means... 

Jesus was with me

last night

I went to this place Anne Lamott once called a bad neighborhood--

my mind

I contemplated judgment in me

source of my anxiety and insecurity

it was a dark place, a place that scares me

but I was not afraid 

because I wasn't alone

the one who knows me nevertheless loves me went there with me 

I watched the birth of judgment

how it took a form and rooted deeply in me

how it tangled its vines around me 

at times chocking me

almost knocked me down

I deeply desired to be liberated from it 

and prayed 

And I remembered

all the people Jesus healed

how they needed to have the courage to live a healed and transformed life

without going back to the old habits and patterns.

When I desire liberation

I also need the courage to embrace the challenges that come with liberation

it's Christ who heals

it's me who lives out a new life

silence in progress

in Mary Chapel

plants were sitting at the feet of Mary who's holding Jesus tenderly 

they make no sounds

they make no movements

but 

they are growing

stretching

blossoming

in their own quiet way

though nothing seems to be happening

they are alive and well 

that's how silence is

though nothing seems to be happening

the Spirit is at work 

healing, 

enlivening, 

transforming... 

so do not underestimate silence

because in silence 

there's growth 

invitation

 

"sit with me"

you said

so I did

on a windy morning

you and I 

beautifully together...