last night

I went to this place Anne Lamott once called a bad neighborhood--

my mind

I contemplated judgment in me

source of my anxiety and insecurity

it was a dark place, a place that scares me

but I was not afraid 

because I wasn't alone

the one who knows me nevertheless loves me went there with me 

I watched the birth of judgment

how it took a form and rooted deeply in me

how it tangled its vines around me 

at times chocking me

almost knocked me down

I deeply desired to be liberated from it 

and prayed 

And I remembered

all the people Jesus healed

how they needed to have the courage to live a healed and transformed life

without going back to the old habits and patterns.

When I desire liberation

I also need the courage to embrace the challenges that come with liberation

it's Christ who heals

it's me who lives out a new life

silence in progress

in Mary Chapel

plants were sitting at the feet of Mary who's holding Jesus tenderly 

they make no sounds

they make no movements

but 

they are growing

stretching

blossoming

in their own quiet way

though nothing seems to be happening

they are alive and well 

that's how silence is

though nothing seems to be happening

the Spirit is at work 

healing, 

enlivening, 

transforming... 

so do not underestimate silence

because in silence 

there's growth 

invitation

 

"sit with me"

you said

so I did

on a windy morning

you and I 

beautifully together...

most beautiful pothole

brother Alvaros warned me to drive slowly

I was thinking 'how did he know my CT driver habits?'

he said it is mud season and the road is full of potholes.

indeed there were many potholes

and I had to drive slowly

since there was not enough space on the road to avoid them

for the first prayer time at 5:30

I decided to walk a half a mile to get to the Priory

as I was walking I noticed that each pothole not only holds muddy water

but also the image that doesn't seem to belong in there

trees

clouds

sky

I've never seen potholes as beautiful as these

potholes that hold the beauty of the other side

we find potholes in life as well 

in us and in others

and we want to avoid them as much as possible

because they are bumpy

they are messy

they are annoying

they seem to be nonsense

they interrupt our smooth driving...

but if we are curious enough to pay attention

and brave enough to look closely

they have something to offer to us

they hold something beautiful in them

only to be found by us

then they are not just potholes

but they are reflections of the mystery of God

3 years in 3 hours

while I was driving to the Priory 
for the first 2 hours
the sky was changing constantly...
it was cloudy for a while, 
then sunny for a few minutes,
then foggy for a bit, 
then rainy often and on,
I have all kinds of New England weather 

I was thinking...
'this looks like my life over the past three years'
I certainly had all kinds of weather
good days and bad,
exciting days and dull moments, 
weathered through many storms

then I was thinking...
'the only thing that's missing is snow'
and guess what
as the thought crossed my mind
I turned left to Vermont Rt 100 S, 15 mins to the Priory
it snowed...
the temperature dropped 10 degrees in 5 minutes. 
when I arrived at the Priory
it snowed hard
and I chuckled at God
'You really didn't want me to miss this one, did you?' 

after I got the instruction from brother Alvaros, 
went to Romero House,
chose a room I'd stay, settled down, 
all of a sudden, 
the room got brighter and the sun was shining through the window
I couldn't believe it...
the whole time, the 3 hours
perfectly mirrored 3 years of my life
who can design something like this other than God?

3 hours of driving made me realize that 
whatever I am going through is a normal part of life 
and it will pass eventually 

even when I feel like it will last forever 

as long as I trust that God is in the midst
I was deeply touched and humbled
Thanks be to God

Jesus on the cross

 

this love

    I am my lover's 

and he claims me as his own.

11 

Come, my love, let us go out to the fields

    and spend the night among the wildflowers.

12 

Let us get up early and go to the vineyards

    to see if the grapevines have budded,

if the blossoms have opened,

    and if the pomegranates have bloomed.

    There I will give you my love.

13 

There the mandrakes give off their fragrance,

    and the finest fruits are at our door,

new delights as well as old,

    which I have saved for you, my lover. (Song of Songs 7:10-13)

Invited to love

if I can spend all day being led to the places with 

fragrance

new buds

blossoms

and be filled with this love

nothing would matter

now I understand

without this love 

from my lover and my love for my lover

I am nothing

with this love

I have everything

I am full