wash away

wash away O God wash away
and let me not remember
who I thought I was

I now know who I am 
more clearly than ever 
I was known to you
even before I came into a being, 

called to be a human, 
you knew me and beheld my unformed being
that crystal
handcrafted by you 
to make me who I am
that no one or nothing 
can contaminate or ruin

I know now

so wash away 

all the ways I contaminated myself
with the view of the world and others
not coming from you
I clearly do not want to be 

anything other than 
that crystal 

you installed in me. 

EPRH

I thought I came here to prepare for Lent and Easter

never imagined I would live through Lent and Easter. 

I realize 

baptism is washing away who I thought I was

dying on the cross is letting go of what I am not

resurrection is being born to who God created me to be

After 60 years of life 

I finally got to know 

what it means to be 

I am who I am. 

Now I need to live it. 

still with you

 

Maybe it comes naturally for others

to love and to be loved.

Not for me.

I don’t trust others,

or feel safe with others easily.

I’m afraid of being attached to others.

Nevertheless

I am still with you.

 

Once I escaped from you

burden of your expectations

rigid demand of obedience

fear of harsh punishment

I wanted to go as far as I could.

Yet

you came

to meet me

clearing all my misunderstandings and false imaginations

proving your unconditional love for me

telling me

all you want from me is

to love you back and to love myself as you do.

That’s why I am still with you.

 

And I know one day

I come to the end

again I will say

I am still with you.

Reflection on Psalm 139:18b

Since I didn't get to see Joel on Mother's Day

I spent the Memorial Day with him. 

We visited a few places 

ate at some interesting fusion restaurants--

Italian Japanese, Southern+Asian, Laotian

and spent some time with his best friends. 

Their life and faith stories, their questions and curiosity

made me feel hopeful for their generation and their connection with God.

Reading the quotes at MLK Memorial evoked inspiration

and one of them became real to me.

"Out of the mountain of despair

A stone of hope."

 

 

I still don't know how to create what I want exactly

I just start with a vague idea of what I want

then keep centering

molding

drying

trimming

choosing the colors

and 

waiting

until the fire does its magic

then I get surprised by the outcome

always better than I imagined

even the one I had a hard time centering

sounds a lot like life in the Spirit

we don't always know where the Spirit leads us

we only have a vague idea

then we keep centering

shaping 

adjusting

moving forward

of course waiting

then the Spirit does her magic

creating what we couldn't imagine

I just hope I can trust enough

Mother's Day

With a surprise Korean meal cooked for me, 

beautiful flowers, 

and a cute card with heartfelt messages, 

Mother's Day was full of love.

When they were teenagers,

 they identified me as "The World's Okayest Mom" 

and I liked it. 

Now my young adult children identify me as "a good friend" 

and I like it. 

 

an immigrant's lament

 

maybe it's because of the letter Joel sent me from the Old Korean Legation Museum

or maybe it's because I watched something with two old friends hanging out in their place of memory which looks similar to mine

maybe it's because forsythia just began to bloom 

maybe it's because of the rain for a few days which added double shots of melancholy 

I've been feeling a sense of loss and grief

something I would name as a mild version of homesickness

it comes to me like a seasonal allergy

I am keenly aware that it's a consequence of the choice I made

and I would rather be in pain than numb

lamenting the fact of not having a place to call home

and let the grief run its course

meditating on Jesus 

as an immigrant